Decide To Deal With Resentment
ACKNOWLEDGE the issue causing resentment
REMEMBER skills that work for you
EXECUTE a plan to forgive, or ask forgiveness

Self-Talk for Injured Partner to remember

If you are the Injured Partner, it really helps to have the attitude that resentments don’t re-occur only because of the injustice or grievance that occurred in your marriage, but also because of the constant “head-talk” in your brain ABOUT that injustice, hurt or grievance.

If resentments try to sneak back in, remember that where the mind goes, the energy flows and repeat the following thoughts or concepts to yourself:

  • “I don’t have to take this personally….he/she has always been like that…long before I was in their life…”

    Example of where to apply this self-talk:

    Partner immediately fall asleep after dinner instead of chatting

  • “Their bad behavior may not be because they are a bad person but because they have a personality defect or they are reacting to earlier trauma in their lives.”

    Example of where to apply this self-talk:

    Partner suddenly gets angry and very upset if you stay out late drinking with friends without calling them as promised.

  • “Nobody is perfect. Everything doesn’t have to be done perfectly to be O.K. Maybe I should adjust my expectations.”

    Example of where to apply this self-talk:

    Partner paints the children’s bedroom but imperfectly. You are a contractor with high standards and get mad because she “didn’t do it right.”

  • “All couples have “perpetual issues” – issues on which they will always disagree. I have to figure out how to live with that(or not) rather than trying to change him/her.”

    Example of where to apply this self-talk: 

    Your partner insists for the 400th time since the wedding ceremony that the dishes be squeakily clean before putting them in the dish-washer but you think this is ridiculous.

  • “The issue we fight about is usually not really about the issue… it’s about power/stubbornness/and who is right. Maybe I should give up the power thing so we can get on with our lives. I don’t always have to assert my “rightness”.”

    Example of where to apply this self-talk: 

    Your partner lets the children stay up very late because you both work and don’t have much time with them. You believe they should be in bed at an earlier specific time. Neither partner will compromise or negociate.

  • “My life will be much better and I will be much happier if I let go of the resentment.”

    Example of where to apply this self-talk: 

    Whenever you feel resentment creeping into your relationship.