Continuing our last blog in which we gave you “love-hacks” as a short-term fix for marriage conflict, today we ask you to look at deeper and longer-term issues that you should look at.
Resentment often is at the top of the list. You may have resentments toward your partner because essential needs are not being met through your marriage. Based on the work of Dr. Eli Finkel, in “The All-or-Nothing Marriage,” there may be alternatives for you short of divorce which you should consider.
Do You Have Resentment In Your Marriage?
Mary, age 40, came to see me recently for a consultation on how she could improve her marriage and deal with an angry husband who refused to see a marriage therapist. She was extremely resentful, unhappy and depressed. She had tried “everything” to get her husband to change- all to no avail.
The resentment Mary was feeling was normal when a partner has grievances toward their partner which are unexpressed – or- when your partner does not respond even when they are indeed expressed. Take our free Anger Quiz to assess the degree of resentment in your marriage. Many times grievances are formed in a marriage because some essential needs are not being fulfilled – needs which you want satisfied through the marriage. After all, satisfaction of some of those needs are the reason you married in the first place.
Mind you, just because you have normal needs doesn’t necessarily mean you are “needy.” We all have needs, as a famous psychologist Abraham Maslow wrote about way back in the 1940s. Here is a simplified version of his needs diagram. In Maslow’s theory, lower needs (such as having enough to eat) need to be satisfied before higher needs such as “esteem” seem important.
The question is: to what extent should we look toward marriage to satisfy some of these needs?
Continue reading “How to Reduce Resentment Toward Your Partner – Even if Your Partner Won’t Change!”
“Lovehacks” provide an efficient method for keeping our marriages afloat during challenging or busy times. There are times when we simply lack the ability or the motivation to make hefty additional investment, and there’s no shame, says psychologist Dr Finkel, in doing little things to make the relationship a bit stronger than it would be otherwise.
How Love-Hacks can give your marriage a tune-up
To fix a truly troubled marriage takes much effort and commitment. But, many marriages or relationships just need a tune-up. One psychologist, Dr. Eli Finkel, calls these “Lovehacks” in his new and very well-researched and well-thought-out book “The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work.”
Lovehacks provide an efficient method for keeping our marriages afloat during challenging or busy times. There are times when we simply lack the ability or the motivation to make hefty additional investment, and there’s no shame, says Dr Finkel, in doing little things to make the relationship a bit stronger than it would be otherwise.
Lovehacks, according to Dr Finkel, have three defining features. First, they don’t take much time – which is crucial for today’s very busy and stressed couples. Second, they don’t require any coordination with, or cooperation from, our spouse. This is very important in those marriages wherein one partner is working harder or is more motivated than the other to resuscitate things. Third, they don’t require a major change or shift in expectations as many other marital therapy interventions do.
Love-Hacks fall into two major categories: those focused on countering weaknesses in your marriage and those focused on savoring strengths.
Continue reading “Lovehacking: Quick Fixes To Improve Your Marriage or Relationship”
Dealing with a narcissistic partner can be daunting and bring out incredible anger in you, especially If you don’t know what you are dealing with. We briefly describe narcissism, and how narcissists can greatly affect you, as their partner, and push all your buttons. You may decide to throw in the towel, but many such relationships a worth saving- If you learn how to disarm the narcissist while surviving (and even thriving) yourself.
Anger and partner narcissism: Betty and Jason
Betty and Jason had been married for 5 years and were now being seen in couples therapy because of almost constant conflict. Jason saw the problem as “Betty’s anger” which he couldn’t cope with and caused him to completely emotionally shut down. He constantly threatened divorce lamenting that he wished he had married a “sweet” girl. Betty said her anger was only because of him; she had many friends and no history of anger problems in any other relationship or areas of her life. But, she indeed was enraged with her husband who constantly berated and criticized her, tried to lower her self-esteem, could not satisfy her most basic needs as a woman, and constantly manipulated her by giving her hope for change and then completely reversing himself the next day. She called it “crazy-making.”
What is a narcissist?
Simply put, a narcissist Continue reading “Angry at narcissistic husband? How to cope short of divorce!”
The conflict between trying to save a bad marriage or deciding to try and work it out is a decision faced by thousands of couples of all ages across the country. About 50% do end their marriage, but many later regret it and find that divorce didn’t improve their lives as much as they had hoped. Others in high-conflict marriages who divorce feel they made the right decision both for themselves and their children. Dr Fiore discusses five things to consider before making your decision.
The Story of Mary and Bill
Mary and Bill were a nice couple empty nesters. Married 20 years, hey had built a nice life together. Their mortgage was low, their children were in college and doing well, most of the time they got along with each other fairly well. But one day Mary told Bill she thought maybe they should get a divorce. This rocked Bill’s world as he had no idea that she had still been planning this. Sure, she mentioned it several years ago, but then things had actually improved, so Bill figured the storm had passed.
For Bill, the marriage wasn’t perfect, but then he had lower expectations. Most of his unhappiness was in reaction to her unhappiness. He was happy to keep things as they were even though they had little in common anymore. Mary complained that she was emotionally lonely in the marriage, that Bill didn’t communicate with her, that he drank too much, and that he rarely paid attention to her anymore. She suspected he was having at least an emotional affair with a co-worker, though Bill denied this, pleading that they were just close friends.
Continue reading “Orange County Marriage Counselor Asks: Is Your Marriage Worth Saving?”