Lesson 1- Decide to React Differently To each Other When Fighting


Defensiveness is defined as being overly sensitive to or reacting very strongly to perceived criticism by your partner.


  • Your partner suggests you might be talking a little too loud and you become hurt and immediately say “I am not talking too loud- you are overly sensitive”
  • Your partner says you are grouchy and not much fun and you immediately defend yourself and attack back with “grow up..life is more than just having fun and playing games.”
  • Your partner requests that you talk more to each other. You say “You knew I was like this when we got married. Why should I change now?”

Defensive partners are not psychologically open people – at least not in their relationship with you. They often live in their own private bubble and find that much energy is spent protecting themselves from you. Rather than being open to influence (which often means change) and honest feedback, they put up an emotional “force field” to keep you out.

Often an overly defensive partners will create you into a liar as you learn what to say or what to do so as not to upset them, rather than feeling sufficiently comfortable to reveal what you really think or feel about a situation.