We welcome again a guest article by marriage therapist Michele Weiner-Davis who gives us 5 practical tips on how to prevent resentment from ruining your marriage.
When you and your spouse hit rough times, it seems that no matter what you do, things get worse.
You blame your spouse; your spouse blames you and nothing changes.
Out of desperation, you eventually step back from your situation and try to think more clearly. And thankfully, when you aren’t mired in the muck, you actually figure out more productive ways to handle your differences. You are determined to do better the next time a challenging situation rears its ugly head.
And then it happens. It feels like a déjà vu. The same old argument starts unfolding.
You and your spouse have been there so many times before.
And although you promised yourself that you would take the high road this time- to remain calm and loving in the face of controversy-your anger and resentment have another plan for you.
You are going to do the same old thing because you’re mad and resentful as hell and your spouse doesn’t deserve better treatment. All the brilliant planning for a better outcome goes right out the window.
Resentment wins. You lose. Sound familiar?
If you want to improve your relationship, you have to find ways to triumph over resentment so you can live up to the promises you make yourself to approach your spouse in more productive ways.
But the sixty-four thousand dollar question is, “How?” The following are five tips for rising above resentment.
If you need help giving up resentments, call Dr Tony Fiore at 714-745-1393 to schedule a consolation. To discover to what extent you hold anger expressed as resentment, join our mailing list and take our free Anger Quiz at http://fiorecouplescounseling.com/contact/newsletter-signup/
To start the New Year off right, We are looking for 10 people to participate in the development of a new pilot anger skills building program for couples. One partner or both can participate in this unique distance learning program based on application of eight tools of anger management used by Dr Fiore in his local classes for 14 years.
Happy new Year to All!
To start the New Year off right, We are looking for 10 people to participate in the development of a new pilot anger skills building program for couples.
For Whom is the Program Designed?
One partner or both can participate in this unique distance learning program based on application of eight tools of anger management used by Dr Fiore in his local classes for 14 years.
This program is a perfect self-help tool for angry couples who need a supplement to therapy to learn specific anger management skills between sessions or between anger management classes.
This is a guest article by freelance writer Paul Smith which offers much useful information to help stressed couples get better sleep which could lead to less irritability, better communication, and improved relationship skills.
How sleep issues can affect anger expression in couples and negatively affect relationships and communication?
Sleep is probably the most underrated of habits that impact health and wellbeing. A lack of sleep the night before is enough to leave us tired, grumpy and fed up for the rest of the day. Getting the right amount of rest is crucial to tackling everything the world has to throw at us and that includes how we interact & communicate with other people especially with our spouses. But why? Let’s examine in closer detail exactly what it is about sleep that has such an impact on us.
Why is sleep important in a relationship?
The short answer to this question is that it affects our “Emotions”. The body needs time to recover at the end of every day. Not getting enough sleep has the potential to hinder our social abilities. It becomes harder to recognize communication cues when tired, and affects how we react to the behavior of others.
What happens to the body with lack of sleep?
What will actually happen if we don’t get enough sleep? Some of the potential dangers associated with getting less sleep include:
Weight gain – Sleep plays an important role in burning calories. As such, not getting enough can cause someone to pack on the pounds. It’s also been claimed that sleep-deprived people have lower levels of leptin. This chemical is what controls our ability to feel full. As such, you’re prone to eating more as a direct result of a lack of sleep.
As well as these more specific side effects, you’ll also experience exhaustion throughout the day. Constantly feeling like you need to sleep is no way to get through the day productively. In some extreme circumstances, it may even result in death. Such was the case with SAP CEO Ranjan Das.
Lowered concentration levels – Your ability to focus will be drastically impacted if you’ve missed too much sleep.
A lowered sex drive – Your sex life might suffer if you’re not getting enough sleep. The NHS recently published information highlighting how a lack of sleep affected both males and female libidos. This could have a detrimental impact on your relationship.
Dangers associated with a lack of sleep
As you may have already realized, there are a number of dangers, which go hand-in-hand with not getting enough rest. These include:
Mood disorders – Studies have suggested mental illnesses can be caused, or heightened, as a direct result of not getting enough sleep. This occurs as a result of neurotransmitters in the brain being damaged, causing the brain to experience the same symptoms associated with depression and anxiety.
Raised blood pressure – Owing to the aforementioned close association of the heart and sleep, it should come as no shock blood pressure is affected when a person misses out on sleep. Increased pressure is the natural side effect of additional strain being put on the cardiovascular system.
How much of an impact a lack of sleep can have on your daily performance?
Physical exercise – Physical activity will also be impaired by a loss of sleep. There are a number of ways in which your body will be negatively affected if you over-exert yourself.
Psychological Effect – It’s a vicious cycle when it comes to sleep and exercise. You’re bound to feel less motivated if you don’t get enough sleep. Naturally, this will have a negative impact on your abilities to push yourself on the workout itself. You may not feel like you want to do any activity at all.
You’re going to notice a significant difference in your motivation, recovery and performance levels when you miss out on sleep. If you have an important day of activities ahead, make sure you always get the right amount of rest the evening before.
In short, not getting enough sleep puts us at an instant disadvantage in almost every aspect of daily life from both a health and social perspective.
his article is an excerpt from ‘Complete Guide to The Health Benefits of Sleep’. An in-depth guide that provides a wealth of information on the importance of getting enough quality sleep that aims to raise awareness about the dangers associated with lack of sleep, causes of poor sleep patterns, and offers tips and advice for developing a healthy bedtime routine. The guide is available here
Anger can be extremely destructive to a relationship even though partners rarely overtly fight or argue. Healthy expression of anger, even overt anger, can actually be healthy for a relationship but other expressions can erode trust, lead to emotional disengagement, and encourage defensiveness, payback, or retaliation.
The Marriage of Stacy and William
Married 30 years, from the outside looking in they have a perfect marriage. They never disagree with each other. They rarely conflict. They hold hands in public. They are always civil to each other in public.
Behind closed doors, however, there is a different story. While they dine together, they share very little with each other about their day beyond superficial topics. After dinner, William typically watches football on the den television while she goes into her bedroom to watch her favorite shows. They stopped sleeping together years ago. He masturbates twice a week for sexual release. They do enjoy each other on vacations, but this is only once a year.
How much does anger, in its various expressions, negatively impact your relationship? Find out easily by taking our FREE 15-minute online quiz. When finished you will be taken to a “results” page which will also give you guidance on ways to remedy relationship anger issues.
Continuing our last blog in which we gave you “love-hacks” as a short-term fix for marriage conflict, today we ask you to look at deeper and longer-term issues that you should look at.
Resentment often is at the top of the list. You may have resentments toward your partner because essential needs are not being met through your marriage. Based on the work of Dr. Eli Finkel, in “The All-or-Nothing Marriage,” there may be alternatives for you short of divorce which you should consider.
Do You Have Resentment In Your Marriage?
Mary, age 40, came to see me recently for a consultation on how she could improve her marriage and deal with an angry husband who refused to see a marriage therapist. She was extremely resentful, unhappy and depressed. She had tried “everything” to get her husband to change- all to no avail.
The resentment Mary was feeling was normal when a partner has grievances toward their partner which are unexpressed – or- when your partner does not respond even when they are indeed expressed. Take our free Anger Quiz to assess the degree of resentment in your marriage. Many times grievances are formed in a marriage because some essential needs are not being fulfilled – needs which you want satisfied through the marriage. After all, satisfaction of some of those needs are the reason you married in the first place.
Mind you, just because you have normal needs doesn’t necessarily mean you are “needy.” We all have needs, as a famous psychologist Abraham Maslow wrote about way back in the 1940s. Here is a simplified version of his needs diagram. In Maslow’s theory, lower needs (such as having enough to eat) need to be satisfied before higher needs such as “esteem” seem important.
The question is: to what extent should we look toward marriage to satisfy some of these needs?
Resentments often develop toward your partner if you feel that certain needs are not being met in your marriage. But there may be other alternatives which you can explore by asking yourself 3 basic questions
You and your partner may be happier personally by taking some of the pressure off the marriage itself and mutually finding other ways for both of you to achieve personal satisfaction and fulfillment while maintaining some degree of emotional connection with each other.
“Lovehacks” provide an efficient method for keeping our marriages afloat during challenging or busy times. There are times when we simply lack the ability or the motivation to make hefty additional investment, and there’s no shame, says psychologist Dr Finkel, in doing little things to make the relationship a bit stronger than it would be otherwise.
How Love-Hacks can give your marriage a tune-up
To fix a truly troubled marriage takes much effort and commitment. But, many marriages or relationships just need a tune-up. One psychologist, Dr. Eli Finkel, calls these “Lovehacks” in his new and very well-researched and well-thought-out book “The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work.”
Lovehacks provide an efficient method for keeping our marriages afloat during challenging or busy times. There are times when we simply lack the ability or the motivation to make hefty additional investment, and there’s no shame, says Dr Finkel, in doing little things to make the relationship a bit stronger than it would be otherwise.
Lovehacks, according to Dr Finkel, have three defining features. First, they don’t take much time – which is crucial for today’s very busy and stressed couples. Second, they don’t require any coordination with, or cooperation from, our spouse. This is very important in those marriages wherein one partner is working harder or is more motivated than the other to resuscitate things. Third, they don’t require a major change or shift in expectations as many other marital therapy interventions do.
When the timing is just not right to use all-in strategies to elevate your marriage or relationship to its next level of personal and relationship satisfaction or fulfillment, a series of researched strategies called lovehacks, although not simple, have the potential to greatly improve things – to give your relationship a tune-up, if you will. Some lovehacks are focused on buffing-up weaknesses in your marriage while others are focused on savoring and enhancing the strengths in your marriage.
Dealing with a narcissistic partner can be daunting and bring out incredible anger in you, especially If you don’t know what you are dealing with. We briefly describe narcissism, and how narcissists can greatly affect you, as their partner, and push all your buttons. You may decide to throw in the towel, but many such relationships a worth saving- If you learn how to disarm the narcissist while surviving (and even thriving) yourself.
Anger and partner narcissism: Betty and Jason
Betty and Jason had been married for 5 years and were now being seen in couples therapy because of almost constant conflict. Jason saw the problem as “Betty’s anger” which he couldn’t cope with and caused him to completely emotionally shut down. He constantly threatened divorce lamenting that he wished he had married a “sweet” girl. Betty said her anger was only because of him; she had many friends and no history of anger problems in any other relationship or areas of her life. But, she indeed was enraged with her husband who constantly berated and criticized her, tried to lower her self-esteem, could not satisfy her most basic needs as a woman, and constantly manipulated her by giving her hope for change and then completely reversing himself the next day. She called it “crazy-making.”
The first step in dealing with your narcissistic partner is to discern if it is something you want to do, as the task may be daunting. A discernment counselor may be of help to you in sorting things out.
The main weapon in your arsenal should be a tactic called “confrontational empathy” which is sort of like “tough love” in dealing with your partner. It involves standing up for yourself and setting limits at the same time as communicating great empathy for where the narcissist is coming from.
The conflict between trying to save a bad marriage or deciding to try and work it out is a decision faced by thousands of couples of all ages across the country. About 50% do end their marriage, but many later regret it and find that divorce didn’t improve their lives as much as they had hoped. Others in high-conflict marriages who divorce feel they made the right decision both for themselves and their children. Dr Fiore discusses five things to consider before making your decision.
The Story of Mary and Bill
Mary and Bill were a nice couple empty nesters. Married 20 years, hey had built a nice life together. Their mortgage was low, their children were in college and doing well, most of the time they got along with each other fairly well. But one day Mary told Bill she thought maybe they should get a divorce. This rocked Bill’s world as he had no idea that she had still been planning this. Sure, she mentioned it several years ago, but then things had actually improved, so Bill figured the storm had passed.
For Bill, the marriage wasn’t perfect, but then he had lower expectations. Most of his unhappiness was in reaction to her unhappiness. He was happy to keep things as they were even though they had little in common anymore. Mary complained that she was emotionally lonely in the marriage, that Bill didn’t communicate with her, that he drank too much, and that he rarely paid attention to her anymore. She suspected he was having at least an emotional affair with a co-worker, though Bill denied this, pleading that they were just close friends. Continue reading “Orange County Marriage Counselor Asks: Is Your Marriage Worth Saving?”→
The process of deciding which path to take when your marriage is on the brink is called discernment. While there are many good reasons to leave your partner, studies show that even though things may look hopeless to you now, many times your marriage can be fixed. In the end, many couples are glad they stuck it out. To learn more about discernment, visit my discernment website at splitornotcounseling.com
We welcome this guest article by Dr Tina Tessina describing how conflict, resentment and anger around money issues can jeopardize a marriage or relationship. She also instructs couples on how to have discussions around money and provides resources on how to better budget to reduce financial stress and anger.
The most valuable thing in a long-term stable relationship is having a partnership, and most new couples don’t realize that money is a major factor in marital happiness. Money is one of the biggest generators of problems, arguments, and resentment in long-term relationships. Couples argue about spending, saving budgeting, and disparity in earnings. When couples have difficulty with money, it can lead to financial infidelity: out-of-control spending, lying and hiding finances; which can destroy the relationship. Overcoming money problems together and working as a team will strengthen the bond between you, and help you create a healthy, lasting partnership.
Money doesn’t have to be a wedge between you and your partner. It can be a great tool for learning more about one another and using money matters as a discussion point can help your relationship grow and thrive. Money can create misery or happiness, depending on how you manage it. Making long-term plans, helping reach goals and improving your quality of life are just some of the things you will be able to accomplish if you work together. Continue reading “Anger and Couple Finances: How to Avoid Financial Infidelity”→
Share your different attitudes about money. Talk about how your families dealt with money, and what you liked and didn’t like about their style. Share your observations about how various friends handle money, and share what you think. Then make the discussion more personal by talking about how you feel about money, spending, saving, and your future dreams.
Discuss long-term joint financial goals (i.e. a new home, baby, education, travel, household repairs or retirement). The previous step should lead you naturally into a further discussion of your long-term goals, and into a discussion of specific steps you need to follow to reach them. Steps should include saving and/or raising money to realize your goals, and a plan for how long you think it will take.
Put your plan to work. Once you have the steps outlined, break the first couple steps down into small increments and choose steps for which each of you will take the responsibility in the coming week.
Establish separate checking accounts or personal spending budgets. As part of your plans, you may want to open separate checking accounts, savings accounts for building your dreams, and agree on budgets for personal spending from your available funds. How to Budget steps are in Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage.
Discuss how the plan is going on a weekly basis. Keep this discussion going every week, and keep each other informed about how your plans are going. This is a good time to discuss the bills that need to be paid, changes in income or expenses, and what you need to do to accommodate the changes.
Keep talking. No matter how well or poorly your finances are going at any given time; keep your financial discussions going. The more frequently you discuss your finances, the less difficult the discussions will be, and the more likely that you’ll make good financial choices.
I am pleased to offer this guest article by colleague Dr. Steve Rockman for couples who need to re-ignite that love feeling for each other. The advice given in this article is common sense in many ways and profoundly true! Establish a “Love Bank” and start making deposits. If you want more, start giving more! Be nicer to each other and be less critical.
Having been a therapist for over thirty years, I am always pleased to find new ways of helping couples. A few years ago, I discovered a treatment approach by Willard Harley that’s short term and practical. Combined with other techniques that I use, this approach has proven effective. Furthermore, it offers hope to relationships that seem hopeless. I’ve had several successful cases where one member had fallen out of love, ready to leave the relationship. If you’re interested, read on. Continue reading “Can I Fall Back in Love After The Thrill Is Gone?”→
Feeling emotionally connected and emotionally close in a relationship is often a matter of learning to regularly satisfy each other’s needs. If you get “yours” you are much more likely to want to give them “theirs.” The Love Bank concept is a great way to kind of keep track of things to maintain balance.